Important chapter. If I learn nothing else, I need to learn this.
I love the acronym RAIN -- especially on this very rainy week. Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation and N--I keep forgetting what the N stands for-- Non-Identification. That's the hardest part for me, and maybe that's why I can't even remember its name. I think that true forgiveness probably lies somewhere inside the non-identification. I am not there yet.
I'm learning so much more about recognizing feelings though. I grew up in the kind of home Kornfield talks about -- one where emotions were both volatile and repressed. Most of my life I've thought the model I chose was volatility, and then I worked hard to tone down my emotions -- to have less of a temper, cry less easily, fall in love less easily. The big surprise of my life is to find that repression is even more operational in me-- and that even some of my strong emotional outbursts signify a disconnect from my feelings.
I like what Kornfield says about the difference between feeling and emotion. I am trying to be more aware of what I am feeling before I let that feeling grow into an emotion. Is the feeling pleasant or unpleasant? What are the sensations in my body? Where in my body do I feel them? I need to slow down to connect to what I am feeling. It takes time. But if I don't slow down, that's when the emotions take over. I get angry, I feel longing, I am rash. I can tell you I am angry, but what I didn't know about was that there was a feeling that came before it. Recently in group, I became aware of a strong feeling during a discussion, and my therapist helped me investigate and connect to it. It was a strong feeling deeply rooted in memory without language. I can't explain much more than that in words.
I feel my heart growing light as I connect with heavy feelings. I am less sure what I know about myself than ever before. But I am also convinced that's a good thing.
