Interesting. The chapter I'm reading in Wise Heart often reinforces what we're working on in group during the same time. Not only that, at the same time the world often offers me opportunities to practice what I'm learning. Very obvious opportunities. What's that about? Whatever. It's pretty cool.
In group we've been talking about our default behavior within groups. Mine is to hang back, be quiet, and not call attention to myself. I have always attributed this to shyness and left it at that. I had never really thought about why the shyness is there. In group I have learned (experienced) that to a great extent group settings reenact the family group and we act accordingly, using coping behaviors we learned in childhood.
There is a photo of our family taken when I was about 4 years old. Photos of our entire nuclear family are rare and there is only one that includes our beloved Nonna and the uncle from Italy who only visited us once. Like my other siblings, I treasure this one photograph. Our uncle's visit was such a big event, I have lots and lots of vivid memories of his short time with us. (Lulu -- do you remember how he made bird sounds and moved his fingers inside his shirt, pretending he had a bird in there?)
Anyway, one of my most vivid memories is gathering for the family photo. I remember sitting in my place, saying to myself that I didn't want to be part of it. Small children think if they can't see you, you can't see them. So I took myself out of the picture by deliberately putting my head down while the others faced the camera. Since I didn't want to be there, I made myself invisible.
In our family, it was not wise to call attention to yourself, because being the center of attention would bring unpredictable, unrewarding, and, often, negative results. And so often I coped by taking myself "out of the picture" -- making myself invisible by being quiet, "good" and not asking for things, sometimes going under my bed to listen to what was going on in the house from afar. My adult shyness -- hanging back in a group or suppressing and not making my needs known in relationships -- is a form of taking myself out of the picture. I still act as though I am risking terrible consequences if I call attention to my self, my thoughts, my needs. I have a deeper understanding of this childhood stuff. I am understanding not only how my coping behaviors were formed, but also how I have carried these child-made coping behaviors into my adulthood, and how they have shaped my choices and relationships. I had resigned myself to being invisible.
This is a long windup, because the main point I want to make is that all this psychology only takes you so far. Because now that I know all this, what do I do? Just get over it?
Fat chance.
But here's where my group, which has a Buddhist bent, and Wise Heart, have helped me most of all. Mindfulness -- it's the key to everything. In group, we're not being asked to "get over it." We're being asked to "pay attention" to how our default behavior is limiting us. Mindfulness is a space where I can find another way. Finally, I have a tool. With mindfulness I don't have to be compelled by childhood wounds and habits. With mindfulness I can, on a situation by situation basis, find other ways to respond to the world.
I feel less pressured to "change" (and less guilty about failure to change). Instead, I feel encouragement to "evolve." Mindfulness brings with it a welcome release from self-judgment. I know I've taken only a few baby-steps on a very long path, but the new direction they have taken me in makes me feel like they are giant.
Meditation helps me to calm myself, so I can hear myself think and it is definitely carrying over into the rest of my life where in general I find myself being more mindful, slowing down, being more conscious and purposeful and less reactive. Instead of beating myself up over the times I slip into old habits, I celebrate evidence of small progress. And overall, I am taking my life a lot less seriously. I can laugh at my humaness and the humaness of others.
Chapter 12 was very helpful for me. Often groups feel chaotic and distress me, and I will tend to go with the flow, because I can't quite find my place. Pulling back is also a way of protecting myself from the chaos. Oddly, I can feel "a lot going on" in a group, even when people are quiet. But now that Kornfield has described the "confused temperament," I can be more mindful of how my confusion also plays into my behavior. More than ever, I know solitude and meditation are important for me to function, because they help me recharge and get clear before I enter the "fray" in the outside world. (Side benefit: trusting myself more)
Lately, I have consciously tried to play against my default behavior and practice carrying the clarity and peace I find alone back out into the world with me. This past month, I was given several real-world opportunities to practice what I'm learning. Group situations -- five panel discussions, actually -- where I had to make my voice heard. As if it's not hard enought for me to participate in something like that to begin with, another, more dominant, person made it particularly challenging for me. So, I meditated. And during panels I was mindful of my body and feelings, and after one of the sessions, I spoke up to that challenging person, and I did it in a firm, but gentle, non-angry, non-reactive manner. And then, because the universe is just not going to let me get off easily, I had to speak up to her once more.
That's grown up Mary Ann, holding her head up for the photo.
